Confidence

Confidence wanes
it has to there’s no other way
but as soon as it comes it leaves
so the only thing you can do is breathe and set yourself up
when it returns, notice what’s different
what’s there, what’s not there
when the confidence is there
where’s the thinking mind, where are the feelings
whats changed, likely when confidence is there
you’re active
a noticeable shift
something you can count on

Now I know that I’m sitting here
I know I’m writing this,
confidence is here sitting with me
Being must participate when confidence is available
on the train, last night, the mind was in a state over a text it wrote
it was obvious there was passivity in the foreground
I came to my body sitting, breathing, and registered my experience
I wished to stay with my experience
I looked at each person in the car
looked at the door
it was still in the foreground
the quality of being present was muckier, dirtier, rougher
there was the direction, the effort of being present
but the mind was still suffering

I continued to sit with that experience
coming back every once in a while
and by the time, the train arrived at the stop
I walked off the train
crossed the platform
I experienced each step
being was participating
confidence had returned
Being participation was alive
waiting for my ride
the wind was high, it whipped and nipped at my skin
I experienced each whip, each nip
I was alive standing there.

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